The Canary Islands government has announced a new tax on alcoholic drinks, particularly draft and bottled beers, which is likely to mean the end of the beloved €1-a-pint beer tradition in holiday destinations across the archipelago.
Effective immediately, all pints of beer sold for less than €3 will be subject to a 200% “holiday happiness levy,” designed to, in the words of the Canary Islands Minister of Finance, Flora P. D. Saylis, “align beverage prices with sun exposure and tourist giggle frequency.”
“We simply can’t allow people to get this happy for this cheap,” she said at a press conference yesterday (Monday), flanked by ministers drinking responsibly taxed sparkling water. “It’s an imbalance of joy. And joy must now be taxed accordingly.”
Beer Today, Gone Tomorrow
The new law has hit the islands’ tourist bars on the seafront the hardest, one owner of a well-known Irish Bar in Los Cristianos, Paddy O. Flashy Harp, was inconsolable, saying: “I’ve had the ‘€1 Beer’ sign since 1998. It’s been there longer than my second wife. Do they want us to charge €4 for lukewarm lager while holidaymakers watch live karaoke? It’s madness.”
Local beer enthusiasts have been seen staging peaceful protests, by sitting in plastic chairs and refusing to pay more than €1.20 a pint, even under threat of receiving a smaller portion of beans on their ‘full’ English breakfast, which will now be cheaper than their accompanying pint!
Locals outraged, tourists sobbing into sangria
Tourists across the islands are grappling with the sobering news. British holidaymaker Keith "Two-Pints" Jenkins was mid-burp when told us: “I only come here for the three Bs: Beer, Beach, and Bargain Booze. If I wanted to pay UK prices, I’d stay in Stoke-on-Trent and drink in the rain.”
In the meantime, airlines are already reporting mass cancellations. Ryanair has announced a special "Mourn & Return" flight option for disappointed beer drinkers.
However, not to be outdone, some crafty bar owners are already exploiting loopholes. A bar in Gran Canaria is already offering “Buy a Coaster for €1.50, Get a Free Pint” promotions, while another has launched “Beer Tastings” that come in pint-sized samples, each with an accompanying “pretentious description” like “a bold interpretation of fermented tap water.”
Government Statement: “You’re Welcome”
In reply, the government insists this isn’t about money, but mindfulness. “We’re encouraging people to sip, not chug. To savour, not shotgun,” Minister Saylis said. “Also, yes, it has raised €87 million in its first three hours.”
To soften the blow, authorities have suggested tourists explore the islands’ other offerings, such as hiking, cultural museums, or “staring at the ocean contemplatively while nursing a €10 cocktail.”
For now, one thing is certain: the days of €1 pints are over… unless, of course, you’re reading this on April 1st.
